Today is my 30th birthday. It seems strange to type that honesty. I survived my 20s and that is nothing short of a miracle because my 20s tried to mentally break me in ways that would take days to type out.
Today I turned 30 and there is so many people missing from my life who I thought would be here to start this new decade with me. I think the biggest loss right now that I am feeling is the fact my adoptive Momma and Daddy are not here to see how far I have come. My Momma worried so much about me and the choices I made while in my 20s because I made some fucked up ones especially in those early years. I wish I could say “Hey! I survived, thrived and did not end up dead or in jail!”
30 years old. It sounds so unreal because I remember when I was a kid 30 was old as hell. Now I am just like *shrug* whatever. I used to feel such excitement on my birthday. The rush of opening presents because someone thought enough of me to get me something, the excitement of sharing it with my family, the excitement of knowing my Momma was going to fix me a special dinner. I just don’t have that enthusiasm anymore. Like losing my parents just sucked the excitement out my birthday. Now its like one more day that shit needs to be done on.
My boyfriend did get me a ice cream cake though I will give him big props for actually listening when I said I missed my Momma getting me a DQ ice cream cake every year. But I feel like that is the extent of what I will have today besides a bunch of “Happy Birthday” comments on Facebook from people who don’t talk to me at all but to say “Happy Birthday!” And maybe picture from my kids. I should be okay with that……I am trying to be okay with that……but I won’t lie it kinda hurts. Especially if you like surprises and occasional gifts like I do.
Am I being cynical right now? Quite possibly. But April and August are never good months for me because they are a reminder of what all I have lost. A reminder that I will no longer celebrate birthdays the way I am used to because no one else is going to do for me like those that I lost. Both of my moms birthdays are this month….April used to be our favorite month. I shouldn’t dwell on things I cannot change but its hard not to. I should be thankful that I know have my biological Pop to wish me Happy Birthday and siblings that still call and tell me Happy Birthday. But it still just ain’t the same.
My goal for today is to manage to put a real smile on and find something to be happy about today. We will see how it goes.